


right in front of me

by pendules



Category: Raven Cycle - Maggie Stiefvater
Genre: Awkwardness, Fluff, M/M, Minor Richard Gansey III/Blue Sargent, POV Outsider, The Raven King Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-30
Updated: 2016-05-30
Packaged: 2018-07-11 04:31:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,118
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7028713
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/pendules/pseuds/pendules
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Everything's changing, for worse, for better. He doesn't know. He isn't even sure yet what being dead and being alive again has or hasn't changed <i>inside</i> of him.</i>
</p><p>
  <i>But this is what it's about, he supposes. What he wanted. This is it — <i>living</i>, the rest of his life.</i>
</p><p>Or: Five times Gansey feels like the third wheel (and one time he doesn't).</p>
            </blockquote>





	right in front of me

1\. 

They're sitting in the living room at the Barns again and it strikes him as a stark contrast to the last time they were all here together — that clamorous, electric night that feels so close and so long ago at the same time — when he'd thought, despite everything, that maybe they were all healing from their wounds, fresh and old, that they might all be okay. The silence is a real, solid thing between them now. The only sounds are the quiet motions of Blue and Henry in the kitchen making coffee, but they aren't speaking, not even in whispers. Ronan hasn't moved from where he'd slumped onto the couch when they'd arrived, head bowed, body looking small and childlike. He would be wondering if he'd nodded off at some point if Gansey didn't know better. 

They must all be bone-tired now, though. They'd gone back to Fox Way first — after Ronan talked to both Declan and Matthew for a few tense minutes, after Blue got her stitches redone — to painstakingly recount the tale and assure the psychics that it was over. He knew that about half a day's sleep was probably what they all really needed then, but they'd all seemed reluctant to part afterwards. Adam had stood up and said he was driving Ronan back to the Barns and Henry immediately said he'd follow behind. Maura had hugged Blue and then Gansey closely before letting them go.

Adam's sitting pressed right against Ronan's side now, his head resting on his shoulder. His eyes are open but out of focus, bleary, slowly blinking at nothing in particular. Their hands had gotten entangled on their legs at some point and it's that that captures his attention. He wonders if this is what it's going to be like from now. The two of them fitting together instinctively, reading each other's minds and actions, ensconced in their own private bubble of Ronan-and-Adam, not Lynch-and-Parrish. Not _Gansey's_ magicians, not _Gansey's_ best friends, no longer hindered by jealousy and rivalry and senseless arguments. Their own men, no longer just caught in his orbit. _Free._

Everything's changing, for worse, for better. He doesn't know. He isn't even sure yet what being dead and being alive again has or hasn't changed _inside_ of him.

But this is what it's about, he supposes. What he wanted. This is it — _living_ , the rest of his life.

He gets up, goes over to the window, looks out at the setting sun. No one pays him any mind.

 

2\. 

Gansey steps out the door of Nino's after paying the bill and is confronted with the sight of Ronan and Adam pressed up against the Pig, Adam leaning back against the trunk with his hands under Ronan's jacket, Ronan standing between his legs with his lips attached to Adam's neck. Adam's smiling in an unguarded, private way that makes him feel like he shouldn't be witnessing it.

"What did I say about defiling my car?" he says casually, taking his keys out of his pocket, looking out at the road instead of in their direction, the wind blowing his hair across his forehead.

"Thought that was about the _inside_ of the car," Ronan says, feigning confusion. He pulls away a little, though, and Adam drops his hands, looking slightly disappointed by the loss of contact.

"Maybe I need to amend the rules, then."

"We weren't even _doing_ anything," he says, rolling his eyes.

"Yeah, _right_. I'm sure if I didn't come out, you'd probably spend all night right there doing _nothing_ —"

"Know what would help your bad mood?" Ronan says, finally disentangling himself from Adam and facing him.

"I'm pretty sure I don't need advice from —" 

"If you got laid," Ronan finishes with an eyebrow raised cockily.

Adam says, " _Ronan_ ," in a chastising tone, but he can't fully surpress his own grin.

"Is this — Are you _really_ — We're _not_ having this conversation," he sputters.

"You know I'm right," Ronan says smugly, folding his arms across his chest.

"Stop acting like a dick, Lynch," Adam says impatiently and Ronan turns to look at him and seems to relent then.

"Are we leaving or not?" Gansey asks abruptly.

"Yeah, whatever, Jesus."

He expects both of them to get in the backseat, but Ronan takes his designated place in the passenger seat and turns the radio to his favourite, terrible techno station and puts the volume all the way up, puts his feet up on the dash, and throws a smirk over his shoulder at Adam. He sees Adam roll his eyes in the rearview mirror, but then he smiles that same private, quietly pleased smile again.

He should feel young, should feel like the whole world is at his feet, but he just feels tired. Feels _apart_. Feels like he's watching them live and love from the outside.

 

3.

Holidays at Fox Way are ten times more chaotic than usual (he didn't think such a thing was possible) and Gansey finds himself needing an escape and a touch of fresh air after dinner. Blue gives him an understanding nod and he smiles back gratefully. Her family feels like _his_ now too, and she knows that, but it's still a lot to handle sometimes.

He opens the door to the porch and realises that Ronan and Adam had the same idea. 

They're sitting on the steps, Ronan's leather jacket tossed over Adam's narrower shoulders and Ronan's arm around his waist as they lean into each other. The night air is cold but he appreciates it, somehow; breathing it in makes him feel like his insides are being refreshed.

"Sorry, didn't know you guys were out here —" he says, turning on the spot to go back inside and give them their privacy. 

"It's okay," Adam tells him quietly, sounding content.

Ronan turns his head to look at him as he hovers behind them uncomfortably.

"So, you have the in-laws' approval, huh?" he says and Gansey appreciates the thinly-veiled attempt to clear the awkward air. 

Gansey shrugs. "Guess it helps that most of the other men in the family appear to have been huge disappointments."

"Imagine _you_ marrying into _this_. Damn, who would've thought," Ronan says, shaking his head.

"You're telling me," Gansey says, under his breath.

Adam hears, though, which shouldn't come as a surprise. "What does _that_ mean?" he asks, narrowing his eyes.

"I just mean — you know, you two."

"What _about_ us?" Adam says, defensively.

"You know — together. Happy. Basically living together."

"And that's a — _bad_ thing?"

"What? No, of course not," he says, regretting even saying anything. "It's _good_. Of course it's good. It's just —" 

"Are you giving us your blessing?" Ronan says with a smirk. "Because it's kind of late for that."

" _No._ I mean, _yes_ , of course you have my — Not that you need it, obviously —" He pauses, frustrated with himself.

"Are you okay?" Adam says, actually looking concerned now. Maybe he's wondering if he's suffering from some kind of delayed side-effect of dying. They're all strangely careful around him now. He wishes they wouldn't treat him like he's breakable and he's thankful for it at the same time. For Blue and Henry and the two of them knowing what he needs without having to ask for it. 

"Yeah, I just —" He lets out a sigh. "Everything's so _different_ now."

"I know," Adam says understandingly. "Mostly _good_ different, though, right?"

"Yeah. Definitely." It's not enough, he knows. It's not what it should be. It's not, _I'm glad you have each other. I'm glad you're both doing okay now. I'm glad I get to see it happen._ This is all he's ever wanted for both of them. But all he can think now, though, is, _I hope we're not irrevocably drifting away from each other._

 

4\. 

They're both in the backseat this time. It's quieter — there's no loud, eardrum-rupturing music and no fighting. The music's just a low hum of something soft and haunting and atmospheric. He thinks it's one of Ronan's mixes that he made for Adam. That alone is enough to make him feel almost voyeuristic. Ronan doesn't seem to mind him listening to it, though. He doesn't seem to mind anything at this particular moment in time. Adam had passed out on his shoulder before they'd dropped Blue off and now he's dosing with his cheek pillowed on Ronan's thigh, body folded into the seat as best as he could manage, although he's still too tall to fit properly, one leg dangling off of it and onto the floor. It's after midnight, the roads are clear, and he drives as slowly as he possibly can without crawling to a complete stop. 

"Are you spending the night at Monmouth?" he asks quietly, glancing back at them for a second.

Ronan lifts his gaze from Adam's face, although his fingers continue their ministrations, stroking the dusty strands of his hair.

"Nah, take us back to Adam's."

He doesn't say _St. Agnes_ , doesn't say _the church_. He doesn't say _home_ because _home_ is currently sleeping with his head in his lap. Gansey opts for the long way there. 

He used to think it would drive him crazy, silent nights with nothing to distract him, without a stack of old tomes to peruse, a street to install new buildings on, the reliable sounds of Ronan's electronica and his own insomnia, Blue's voice on the phone. But he likes it better this way now — cruising around Henrietta at night, its familiar quirks and corners, the ghost of Blue's chaste goodnight kiss still on his lips, his two best friends in the backseat, safe and alive and at ease. It's all he needs, or all he _used_ to need, but now that he has it, he isn't entirely sure what to do with it, how to go from here. How to begin to _want_ again.

"It doesn't have to be, you know," comes Ronan's voice and it startles him even if it's barely more than a whisper.

"What?"

"Different."

"Doesn't it?" he sighs.

"It's up to you," Ronan says simply.

"I just — I don't know what happens next." Glendower's dead and Gansey didn't stay dead and there's all this time now, spread in front of him, and he wonders if he's going to waste it. If he already is wasting it.

Ronan laughs softly. "No one knows that, man."

" _You_ do." He knows that Ronan knows what he means. The Barns. Dreaming. His family, old and new. Adam. Home.

"Being stubborn as hell and predicting the future are two different things. Even Parrish's magician powers can't tell anything for certain."

Gansey half-nods. He isn't very good with change either.

"I should be grateful, right. For a second chance. Should be making the most of it —"

"Hey, 'making the most of life' doesn't always mean the same thing for everyone."

"And sometimes it's not anything like you expected," Gansey finishes, catching his eye in the mirror.

"Yeah." Ronan shrugs. "I don't know. Maybe change isn't _always_ bad."

"You two, though — it's the real deal, right?" he says, holding his gaze for a moment.

"We're working on it," is all Ronan says and it's all he knows he's going to get right now.

He nods. It's enough. 

He keeps his eyes on the road in front of him.

He takes them home.

 

5.

After they get their diplomas, Ronan pulls Adam close to him, his mouth pressed against his working ear. He hears him murmur, "I'm fucking proud of you," before kissing his cheek and then his mouth. Gansey's aware that a few people are staring at them but they don't seem to notice or care at all. They know no one here will dare say anything. Out of propriety. Out of fear.

They turn to look at him a few moments later, their hands firmly interlocked, looking as different as possible — one light, one dark — but also like they _belong_ next to each other, like it was always supposed to be like this: Adam in his graduation gown, a hint of a smile on his face, cheeks flushed, hair tousled from Ronan's fingers, skin glowing, straight-backed and present and confident; Ronan in an actual black button-down and jeans, but head freshly shaven, eyes as stormy as ever, an arrogant tilt to his lips, looking like he'll never belong among this crowd and not wanting to, but proud and in love and hopeful for the future. Only maybe they're _not_ so different anymore; they're both _other_ and they're both not afraid to show it. To _be_ it. They're the brightest, realest things here.

Gansey knows he's _other_ now, too, but that particular knowledge still rests uneasily inside his skin.

"We going back to Monmouth?" Ronan asks.

He hesitates for a second before nodding. He tells Helen and his parents he'll meet them for dinner. They don't even look that disappointed. It's strange, living two lives and not quite belonging in either of them.

When they're back at the warehouse, Ronan puts on a song that reminds them of Noah. They sit on the floor next to his now mostly complete model of Henrietta and make their way through bags of junk food.

Ronan's phone rings and he answers it because it's Declan and Opal's with them for the day and he ends up in his room having _another_ long, heated debate about all the things a healthy child should and should not be allowed to consume.

"Blue's coming by later?" Adam asks offhandedly.

"Yeah, after work. Henry might put in an appearance too."

"Good."

"So, this is _it_ , right?" he says after a beat, not looking at his face. It feels like the end of something and they all know it. 

"I'm not — I'm not leaving anyone behind," Adam promises, like he knows he needs to hear it. "Not you. Not him —"

He wonders if they need him anymore. He wonders if that matters. He thinks about them asking Cabeswater to die for him, about him waking up on Blue's command and asking what happened, the tears stinging his eyes as he turned to Ronan and whispered, "Thank you", the dismissive tone of his voice when he replied, "You don't have to _thank_ me for saving your life, Jesus, did dying scramble your brain —"

"It was good, though, wasn't it?" he breathes out. "For a time."

"Yeah, of course it was," Adam says immediately. He knows Adam's remembering all the same things he is: hours spent searching for the ley line and discussing theories and talking about favours and magic and possibilities; the five of them driving to Cabeswater, Ronan and Noah singing along to the murder squash song, Blue yelling about them potentially dying in this car, Gansey trying to interject with historical anecdotes, catching Adam's eye in the mirror as he gives him a sympathetic look; afternoons spent in a dream forest that knew them, _belonged_ to them, retrieving the ancient Camaro wheel from the lake, waking a cave full of dormant bones, sitting in the living room at the Barns months before and feeling alive and essential and connected to each other and to magic and to the future. 

"Of course it couldn't last."

"That doesn't mean there won't be other times, other adventures."

"You sound like Ronan." Gansey smiles.

"Do I?" He sounds surprised but amused.

"He was the one, you know, who said it felt like it was starting. After we went to the reading at Blue's."

"Maybe he's actually on to something sometimes. But don't tell him I said that."

"He's stronger than we give him credit for." Ronan's grown up, too, in his own way, somewhere along the line when he wasn't fully paying attention.

"Yeah, he is," Adam agrees.

"I wish I could be as sure as he is." It's not a thought he'd ever imagined he'd be having so frequently.

"I used to think that too, you know. I mean, I used to spend so much time thinking about what I wanted. And I still do. But it's — _less_ now. It's muted. Not because I have everything I want, but because there isn't any real answer until you stop thinking about it and see what's right in front of you."

What _does_ he want now, he wonders. To live. To have all of them. Beyond that, it's all foggy. Maybe he'll find it when he's not looking for it. Maybe it's about trust. About hope.

"I think that's the most romantic thing I've ever heard you say," he teases.

" _Stop_." He starts going pink around the ears.

"You're great together, you know," he tells him earnestly. "I'm really happy for both of you."

" _God_ , don't get all touchy-feely on me."

"I bet you like it when _Ronan_ does it, though —"

" _Asshole_ ," he says, looking almost impressed by the innuendo.

"You asked for it."

"Thanks, you know," he says quietly. "For — for the support. And everything else."

"You don't have to thank me for anything." 

"You know I'm always gonna be here, right? Even when I'm a couple hundred miles away —"

"Yeah, I know," he assures him.

Ronan comes back out then and goads him into a game of pool that he loses horribly, but he feels better anyway.

 

\+ 1. 

They're on the couch watching a movie. He's found them in a similar position a number of times before: napping curled around each other, reading or doing homework with bodies sprawled all over each other, sometimes sitting in each other's laps, sometimes in various states of undress, laughing into each other's mouths, pressing each other down into the soft cushions. He usually just makes a stiff joke about being safe or making them pay to clean the upholstery before going on his way. This time, though, Ronan's sitting on the couch and Adam's on the floor, with his back against his legs, a bowl of popcorn in his lap. Except for Ronan's fingers carding through his hair, and the way Adam leans into his touch like a cat, it seems innocent enough.

He stands there for a while, not wanting to disturb their quiet, idyllic moment.

Until Ronan looks up and rolls his eyes at him like he's always known he was there. "Stop lurking like a creep and come watch, Dick. The aliens are about to blow the whole fucking city to hell."

Adam gives him a soft smile as he slowly pads over to them and settles down next to Ronan. He silently passes him the bowl before turning his gaze back to the screen.

Ronan bumps his shoulder into Gansey's affectionately and he relaxes and smiles to himself, feeling like he couldn't possibly belong anywhere else at this exact moment in time.


End file.
